THE FUNNY PAGES!
UPDATED EVERY WEEK
“Lighten the mood & make your friends laugh! A series of funny Cypriot stories, jokes & anecdotes to tell your friends.’
A collection of funny stories, jokes, and anecdotes all set in Cyprus. All of these feature various characters and situations that highlight the quirks and behaviour of the Cypriot people. Key themes include misunderstandings, playful twists, and ironic outcomes that deliver laughter through surprising yet, funny punchlines. These narratives also reflect everyday situations with a humorous twist, emphasising the light-heartedness that can be found in every day Cypriot life.
AN OLD LADY FROM LEFKARA
A little old lady goes to her doctor for a check-up and the doctor asks her “Are you having any problems?”. The old lady replies “Yes doctor I have a problem with gas and I fart all the time, but fortunately for me no one can hear them or smell them”. She goes on to say, “In fact, I have farted twice in the last minute or so and I bet you didn’t hear or smell them!” The doctor, after an examination says, “Ok, I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.” He goes on to say, “The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription is medication that will help you recover your sense of smell, and the referral is for an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.
A GORILLA IN PEYIA
A man from Peyia got a frantic phone call from his wife! Sobbing, she said, “Come home quick! There is a gorilla in the orange tree in the front garden!” The man replied, “Ok, I’ll come home straight away.” As the man pulled up in his car, sure enough, he saw a huge, fierce gorilla in the orange tree. He cautiously went into the house where his wife was nervously looking out the window. “What are we going to do?” she asked. The man picked up his phone and said “It’s simple, we need professional people who can deal with this sort of thing,” With that he called the local ‘Gorilla Catcher’, who said “I’m very sorry sir, but I am afraid, I am short staffed, so I am unable to take on any jobs at the moment.” The man replied “But this is urgent! There must be something you can do!” The gorilla catcher replied, “Well, catching a gorilla is a two-man job and if you’re willing to help me, then we should be able to pull it off.” The man replied “I’ll do whatever it takes, please hurry” The gorilla catcher soon arrived with a large rifle, a set of manacles, and a vicious-looking Rottweiler. The gorilla catcher then said to the man, ” I am going to climb the tree and wrestle with the gorilla! You have to stand with the manacles in front of the tree and when I push the gorilla to the ground, the dog is trained to leap forward and bite the gorilla’s testicles. This will distract him long enough for you to put the manacles on him. Then I can load him into the back of the van and take him away.” The man looked on and said, “Yes, I understand, but what is the rifle for?” The gorilla catcher then said, “I am glad you asked. If by any chance I should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, then you must instantly shoot the dog!”
VISITING A DOCTOR IN DALI
George went to see his doctor in Dali and when he entered the doctor’s office, the doctor said, “Hello George, please sit down” George replied “Sorry doctor, but I can’t because my bum hurts” The doctor looked on and said, “Where exactly does it hurt?” George replied, “Well, it’s right around the entrance!” The doctor then frowned and said: “Yes, well that’s the exit and as long as you think it’s an entrance it’ll continue to hurt!”
CAMPERS IN TROODOS
Two campers are walking through the woods in the Troodos Mountains, when a huge mouflon suddenly appears in the clearing in front of them. The mouflon sees the campers and aggressively begins to head toward them. The first camper suddenly drops his backpack, digs out a pair of running shoes, and frantically begins to put them on. The second camper says, “What are you doing? They won’t help you outrun that mouflon.” The second camper frantically replies, “I don’t need to outrun the mouflon, I just need to outrun you!”
FISHING IN LIMASSOL
The Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop of the Greek Orthodox Church decide to go fishing in the Germasogeia dam, so they hire a boat and row out to the middle. As the day wears on, it becomes very hot and the beer is soon gone. “Let’s row back to the shore and get some more beer,” says the Archbishop. “No need for that,” says the Dalai Lama, and with that, he steps over the side of the boat and walks across the water’s surface to the shore! Ten minutes later he’s back with more beer. He walks across the water to the boat and steps inside. Not very long passes until they’ve run out of beer and this time the Pope says, “Ok, now its my turn!” and with that, he looks over the side of the boat and with a big smile on his face, he steps over and walks across the water to the shore. Ten minutes later, he is back with more beer and walking across the water, he returns to the boat. As time wears on, the beer is finished once more, and with all eyes on the Archbishop, he steps over the side of the boat but he instantly sinks below the surface. The other two drag the Archbishop back aboard and as he lies there, coughing and spluttering, the Pope says, “You know what! We should have told him about the stepping stones!” and with that the Dalai Lama, confused, asks, “What stepping stones?”
TWO HUNTERS IN THE TROODOS MOUNTAINS
Two Cypriots are out hunting in the Troodos Mountains and as they’re walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. As they approach it, they are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?” The second hunter says, “Let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter says, “Lets get that huge rock from over there and we’ll throw it in and see”. So they pick up the rock and carry it over. They both swing the rock and on three they throw it into the hole. As they are standing, listening and looking over the edge of the hole, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them and as they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush and run up to the hole! With no hesitation, the goat jumps into the hole headfirst and while the two shocked hunters are gazing into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, they hear another rustling behind them. As they both turn, an old farmer appears and says, “You didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?” The first hunter says “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!” The old farmer scratches his head and says “Why that’s impossible because I had him chained to a large rock!”
FROM LIMASSOL TO HEAVEN
A man from Limassol died and found his way to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter greeted him and said, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you that we’ve looked over your whole life and, honestly, you didn’t do anything particularly good or bad”. The man looked on and said, “Ok, what does that mean?” St. Peter replied, “Well, we are not sure what to do with you! Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The man thought for a moment and replied, “Ok, I was driving along and came upon a lady who a group of thugs was harassing, so I pulled over and went up to them and said, “You better stop bothering this lady or you will have to deal with me!” St. Peter gasped and said, “Wow that’s impressive, but it isn’t in your file, when did this happen?” The man replied “About three minutes ago!”
A HANDYMAN FROM LARNACA
A man from Larnaca hired a handyman to paint the walls around his house. The handyman arrived early the next day wearing two coats over his overalls and he promptly began to paint the walls on the hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the homeowner asked the handyman why he was wearing the two coats on such a hot day. The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
AN ART COLLECTOR FROM NICOSIA
A Lawyer from Nicosia representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Stavro, I have some good news and I have some bad news for you.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested €2,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of €10 million and I think she could be right.” Stavro replied enthusiastically, “My wife is a brilliant businesswoman and you have just made my day! What’s the bad news?” The lawyer replied, “The two pictures are of you with your secretary!”
A VISIT TO PLATRES
I was passing the village of Platres and I decided to stop at the coffee shop when I saw that a man was playing chess with his dog. I sat back and watched in amazement and it came to the point when I had to say something! I walked over to the man and I said, “That has to be the most intelligent dog ever!” the man looked up and replied, “Absolutely not! The dog hasn’t won a single game yet!”
A BARBERS SHOP IN DALI
A man and a young boy walked in to a barber’s shop in Dali to get a haircut. The man said to the the barber “Give the boy a haircut while I go to the shops nearby”. The barber said “ OK, no problem!” and the boy happily hopped on to his chair. After the haircut was finished the barber patiently waited, but there was no sign of the man. After two hours passed, the barber asked the boy “Where has your father got to?” The shocked boy then said, “That man was not my father, he just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should follow him!”
A NUN FROM LIMASSOL
A taxi driver collects a young attractive nun from outside of the Catholic Church in Limassol to take her to the Four Seasons Hotel. After the nun takes her seat she notices that the taxi driver won’t stop staring at her. Eventually the nun asks the driver, “Why are you staring at me? “The driver promptly replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”. “The nun replies, “I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” The taxi driver then says, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy of having a nun kiss me.” The nun thinks for a moment and then says, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that!” and goes on to say, “Are you single? and are you a Catholic?” The driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and I am Catholic!” to which the nun replies. “Ok, pull into the next side street.” The nun fulfils the driver’s fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush, but when they get back on the road, the driver starts weeping in sorrow. The confused nun asks the driver “I have just fulfilled your fantasy, why are you crying?” to which the driver replies “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess to you that I am married and I am not Catholic,” to which the nun replies, “Don’t worry its all ok! my name is George and I’m on my way to a Halloween party at the Four Seasons.”
AN OLD LADY FROM LEFKARA
A little old lady from the village of Lefkara goes to her doctor for a check-up and the doctor asks her “Are you having any problems?”. The old lady replies “Yes doctor I have a problem with gas and I fart all the time, but fortunately for me no one can hear them or smell them”. She goes on to say, “In fact, I have farted twice in the last minute or so and I bet you didn’t hear or smell them!” The doctor, after an examination says, “Ok, I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.” He goes on to say, “The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription is medication that will help you recover your sense of smell, and the referral is for an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.
A MAN WITH HIS DONKEY FROM PYRGOS TIS TYLLIKAS
An old man from the village of Pyrgos Tis Tyllikas is guiding his donkey along a river bank when he sees another man on the opposite side of a river. The other man calls out across the gap, and shouts “Hey old man, how do I get to the other side of the river.” The old man looks on slightly puzzled and then shouts back “You are on the other side of the river!”
A LIBRARY IN NICOSIA
A man walked into a library in Nicosia and asked the librarian for a ham and cheese sandwich. The librarian politely said, “Sorry sir, but you are in a library” The man looked up at the library sign, and replied, “I am so sorry”, He then whispered to the librarian, “Can I please have a ham and cheese sandwich?”
A DOCTOR IN PACHNA
A man from Pachna goes to his doctor to follow up on the previous days test results and when he enters the doctors office, the doctor sits him down and says, “I am sorry to tell you that I have some good news and some very bad news for you”. The man looks up and replies “OK, give it to me straight, what’s the good news? The doctor sighs and replies ”I am sorry to say that you have just 24 hours to live”. The surprised man replies, “Oh god, just 24 hours to live and that is the good news! What’s the bad news?” the doctor replies “ I am sorry to say that I forgot to phone you yesterday!”
A BANK ROBBERY IN PAPHOS
A group of robbers entered a Bank of Cyprus in Kato Paphos, and their leader went straight to the manager and threatened him by saying, “If you try to do anything smart, you’re fiction.” The manager looked confused and said, “Don’t you mean ‘You’re history’?” The robber angrily replied, “Don’t change the subject, okay?”
TWO CROWS IN PERVOLIA
Two crows in a field in Pervolia notice a figure that looks like a man in the distance. “What is that over there?”, says the first crow. The second crow takes a long look and then replies, “That’s a scarecrow!” The first crow then says, “So how can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a real person?” The second crow chuckles and then replies, “Look at its hand, no mobile phone”.
A CYPRUS CRUISE
A cruise ship from Cyprus to Greece passes by a remote island in the Aegean Sea and all the passengers see a bearded man wearing rags running around, screaming, shouting and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “Who is that man over there?” The captain replies “I have no idea, but he does this every year when we pass him!”
CYPRUS VILLAGE LIFE
A little boy named George from the village of Aradipou was late for school. His teacher made an example of him by making him stand up in front of the class to explain why he was late. His teacher said, “Ok George, what is your explanation for being so late?”, George replied, “Well, I had to take our cow to our neighbour’s field so that the bull could get her pregnant.” Surprised, The teacher looked on and said, “George, couldn’t your father do that?” George then gave his teacher a puzzled look and replied “Well, I suppose he could, but I think the bull has had more experience with cows.”
A COCKROACH IN ZYGI
A man from the village of Zygi thought he saw a cockroach in his kitchen. This prompted him to spray everything down and clean the whole kitchen thoroughly. The next day his wife placed a dead cockroach in the bathroom and then made further plans for both bedrooms!
A RICH MAN FROM KITI
A rich man from the village of Kiti was on his death bed and he called together his three most trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer. He told them that he had found a way of taking his money with him, but he needed their help! He gave each one €500,000 in cash and told them that his plan would only work if they put the money in an envelope and placed it in his coffin at his funeral. The man died a week later and after the funeral, the three friends went the local coffee shop and began to discuss the strange request their friend made. The priest said that his dear departed friend will never know the good deed that he has done and he went on to say that he knew that his friend could not take the money with him and that the church needed a new roof, so he got the roof repaired and then he put the remaining €200,000 and a receipt for the repair into the envelope and placed this into the coffin. The doctor then admitted that he also knew that his friend could not take the money with him and that the children’s hospital needed €400,000 to finish building its new wing, so he put €100,000 and a receipt into the envelope and placed this into the coffin. The lawyer however, disagreed with both of them explaining that they should both be ashamed of themselves. The lawyer stated that both the priest and doctor had violated the trust of their friend and that there could be a legal case to answer! Both the priest and the doctor were shocked and immediately asked what the lawyer did with his money, to which the lawyer then stated that he was an honest legal advisor and that he placed a cheque for the full amount in his envelope and placed this into the coffin.
TWO DONKEYS IN TROODOS
A man from Limassol staggers into a roadside bar just off of the road to the Troodos Mountains, demanding a large brandy. The barman pours the drink and says to the man “So, what’s your story?” The man gulps down the brandy and then says, “Well, I was driving along and the engine on my brand new BMW suddenly just stopped! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here and I opened the bonnet. I have no idea how these modern cars work, so I thought I would call the dealership back in Limassol. As I was looking for their number, two donkeys come up to the fence and peered at the engine. As I looked on, one of them said as clear as day! “I can fix this for you” The man holding his head said, “I couldn’t believe my ears!” The barman looked on and said “Ok, what happened next?” The man still holding his head said “Well, this is the extraordinary thing. The donkey told me to press down on the plastic cover until I heard a click and then he told me to try the engine, and it started immediately!” The barman, calmly polishing the next batch of glasses then said “I see, tell me what colour was this donkey?” The man with a shocked look on his face then said “Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! But if you must know it was a white donkey!” To which the barman calmly said “Thought so.” The man then stood up and screamed “Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This donkey not only spoke to me, but he also fixed my car!” The barman then calmy repied, “Well”, I thought it would be him. The brown one knows absolutley nothing about BMW engines!”
CYPRIOTS AT THE FOOTBALL WORLD CUP
A group of Cypriots have front row seats at the World Cup Final, and one of them makes his way to his seat next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty, so he leans over and asks his compatriot if someone will be sitting there. “No”, says the compatriot. “The seat is empty and nobody is sitting there!” The shocked man replies “Wow, who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final and not use it?” The compatriot sighs and goes on to say, “Well actually the seat belongs to me! I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away and this will be the first World Cup Final since we got married that I will be watching alone.” The man then replies “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible!… But….. couldn’t you find someone else to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No”, he says. “They’re all at her funeral back in Ayia Napa.”
A FARMER FROM PLATRES
A man was walking along a country road near the village of Platres, when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, “How long will it take me to get to the next village?” The farmer didn’t answer and just ignored him. The man shrugged his shoulders, waited a bit and then started walking down the road again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out “About 20 minutes!” The man swivelled around and shouted back “Thank you! But why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you?” The farmer shouted back “I didn’t know how fast you could walk!”
AN HONEST MAN FROM NISSOU
A man from the village of Nissou arrived at a job interview nice and early and upon entering the interviewer’s office, he stated how nicely decorated it was. The impressed interviewer said to him, “With an attitude like yours, I would be stupid not to hire you!” he went on to ask “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?” The man replied, “It has to be honesty, I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.” The interviewer said “Really, I don’t see how ‘honesty’ could be considered a weakness! I think it’s a great strength to have!” To which the man replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t give a damn what you think.”
EATING GUNPOWDER IN PAREKLISHIA
A tough old man from the village of Pareklishia counselled his granddaughter and he told her that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her breakfast every morning. The young girl did this religiously every morning until she died at the age of 103. She left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 33 great-grandchildren, 12 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. The local priest stated, “She went out with a bang!”
